Warum sie mich so wütend macht – und ich ihr dafür dankbar bin

23. Mai 2015, In: Allgemein
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Heute habe ich der Tatsache ins Auge gesehen, dass ich nicht nur nett bin. Dass ich nicht nur fröhlich und freundlich, gut gelaunt und höflich bin. Denn heute hat sie mich überfallen, die Wut – ich habe gebrüllt, bis meine Halsschlagader bebte. Dabei war ich doch jahrelang so erfolgreich im Verhindern dieser Peinlichkeit. Meine Leber war so nett und hat sich all der unterdrückten Emotionen bezüglich Wut und Ärger angenommen. Doch heute war es ihr zuviel. Heute ist ihr buchstäblich der Kragen geplatzt. Aber wer oder was ist das genau – diese Wut? Bin ich Wut? Ist die Wut ein Ungeheuer in mir, das sich ab und an verselbständigt?

Da gibt es diese eine Frau, die mich wahnsinnig macht mit ihrem Gehabe. Alleine, wie sie sich bewegt und wie sie dauernd alle vollquatscht, bringt mich zur Weißglut. Ich sitze ihr gegenüber.
Tag für Tag.

Ich sage nichts.
Ich sage nichts.
Ich sage nichts.
Ich sage nichts.
ICH BRÜLLE.

Verdammt. War ich das? Ich bin doch nett. Sie war’s! Sie hat mich zum Brüllen gebracht. Es ist einzig und allein ihre Schuld. Würde sie sich doch endlich angemessen verhalten, könnte ich wieder nett sein. Blöde Kuh. Peinlich ist mir das. Nur wegen ihr!!!! Wie soll das ausserdem jetzt weitergehen?

Was denken die anderen jetzt von mir? Ich bin doch keine Furie!  – Solange die anderen sich so verhalten, wie ich das für richtig halte.
Okay. Schwamm drüber. Atmen.

Aber was tun, wenn Frau Sumsi mich nächstes mal wieder so ärgert? Wenn ich es spüre in mir, dieses Lodern, dieses Brennen, diese Hitze, die in mir aufsteigt und die mich fast zerreisst und auf meiner Leber das Konto für „Runterschlucken und Stillsein“ schon überzogen ist?

Was ich wissen muss:

Wut ist eine Emotion.
Und eine Emotion ist eine körperliche Reaktion auf meinen Verstand.

Mein Verstand erzählt mir, ob Dinge gut oder böse oder gerecht oder ungerecht sind. Ob sie mir gefallen oder nicht.

Was ich noch wissen muss:
In mir gibt es Sonnenseiten und Schattenseiten. Von der Sonne in mir bin ich begeistert. Ja, das bin ich natürlich! Beim Schatten versuche ich es gerne mit der Vogel-Strauss-Taktik. Das Fiese an der Sache ist, dass ich Frau Sumsi gegenübersitze. Ausgerechnet! ;) Und Frau Sumsi hat nichts Besseres zu tun, als meine dunklen, unangenehmen, unbearbeiteten Seiten zu sekkieren. Zu kitzeln und zu provozieren. Dabei hab ich doch extra meinen Kopf so tief in den Sand gesteckt. Blöde Sumsi, blöde.

Variante A:
Weitermachen wie bisher. Ärger runterschlucken. Frau Sumsi meiden, wo es nur geht. Pillen gegen Bluthochdruck verschreiben lassen. Therapie wegen Schlafstörungen machen. Meine Kinder anbrüllen. Meinen Partner anbrüllen. Familientherapie machen. Ritalin für Kinder besorgen. Über Scheidung nachdenken.

Variante B:
Atmen. Atmen. Atmen.
Meinem Verstand erzählen, dass ich nicht besser bin als Frau Sumsi und Frau Sumsi nicht besser ist als ich.
Atmen.
Frau Sumsi als Perle betrachten. (Uaaaahhhh…. das ist der schwierigste Teil!!! – gaaaanz viel atmen.) Auf dem Weg in die Freiheit muss ich auch ein paar Hürden überwinden.

Frau Sumsi etwas von meiner Aufmerksamkeit entziehen (sorry Sumsi) und meine Aufmerksamkeit in mich selbst hinein lenken. Dorthin, wo ich am kitzeligsten bin und zu den Stellen, die Frau Sumsi am allermeisten sekkiert hat. Und zuhören, was diese Stellen mir zu sagen haben. Kann sein, dass ich mir zu Beginn meine Ohren am liebsten von innen zuhalten würde, doch mit ein wenig Mut und Durchhaltevermögen kommen ganz schön spannende Geschichten zum Vorschein. Geschichten, die mir etwas über mich erzählen und Perlen auf meinem Weg in die Freiheit sind.

In eine Freiheit, in der ich den Sumsis dieser Welt nicht mehr ausweichen muss; in eine Freiheit, in der ich die Sonne und den Schatten in mir gleichermaßen achte und weiss, wie ich am Besten mit ihnen umgehe, um in meiner Balance zu bleiben.

Und in eine Freiheit, in der ich an sonnigen Tagen den Schatten zu schätzen weiss und Schmetterlinge beobachten kann – mit meinen Kindern, meinem Partner, alleine – oder für Fortgeschrittene: sogar mit Frau Sumsi :)

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